My cousin had to remind me today when I am feeling out of sorts and overwhelmed and can't really focus, that I am still in mourning.
I try to keep myself busy.
I know that life is too short. I know that I don't respond to things as I used to.
Some things are just too petty to care about. And some things I care more about because I realize how short life is...
I think some people close to me forget that I am in mourning. I say this because of how they talk to me, or their lack of understanding when I am having a moment. I may not be as talkative right now...some days I may not want to talk at all.
No matter how it looks on the outside, sometimes everything is just heavy. ..marriage, motherhood, business...life...and I am a strong person, and I have God always, but sometimes I will cry, and that has to be ok. Sometimes I will say enough, and do absolutely nothing one day but stay in bed...and that has to be ok.
I'm trying to get my life together
There is no one doing things for me 'just because' without me asking...I am usually doing for people and that's cool because that's my makeup. But if I am to be honest, sometimes I want to be treated too. People who think you have money feel like you don't need anything. I know this because I have felt this way before with a friend who has way more than I do. But I realized she does need things. And it's not always about buying something 'material' so to speak.
With the death of my mom a change is taking place inside of me. A quiet strength is emerging that I didn't know that I had. A voice is emerging that I didn't know was there, These eyes of mine are looking at things different.
And I will tell you one thing.
The ONLY approval I seek is God...
JUST God, because God is the ONLY one who loves me absolutely unconditionally next to my mom who is no longer here. He is the only one who has a Heaven or Hell to put me in.
Everyone else love has conditions to it. The “unconditional” part of unconditional love just means that you won’t withdraw love when things go badly.
There is nothing my children could do to make me stop loving them. Or withdraw love from them.That is how God is. That's how a parent is (or should be).
They forgive our shortcomings, even when we want to remind them of theirs (help us Lord)
We as people like to remind each other of our shortcomings...why is that??
I forgive. ....mom I miss you...
she always taught me to forgive....
She was a wise woman.
P.S.
I will digress as I type sometimes, because I am typing my thoughts, and I am currently all in my feelings.
I will be 40 in 2 months. That is something else altogether. 40! wow!
So that is a milestone....with that comes a new thought process as well. I am certainly more comfortable in my skin than I have ever been before.
I hope to exercise more frequently, and not just as an afterthought, but as a lifestyle change.
so yeah, as I type I am feeling better. I will start to blog more often because this is a form of therapy. Writing... This is my life...my story...my thoughts...my feelings...I have no desire to offend anyone. If you feel some type of way that would be something inside of you. Maybe something hit home. If that is the case. go with it. Maybe you have some changes that you have to make. Seek God. He is the one that can change us. He is certainly working on me.
I love you all and I thank you for reading my thoughts that I chose to share.
have an amazing day.
and LET ME LIVE!
thank you :-)
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